Love And Respect

by Raymund Tamayo

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” - Ephesians 5:22-24

Now, this is one controversial topic.

In general, husbands need respect more than love, while wives need love more than respect. This is the difference in nature of a man and a woman.

Of course, this is not to say that husbands don't need love, or wives don't need respect. It's just that they need the other one more than the other. 

It's the way our Creator designed men and women to be.

When this is not understood in a marriage relationship, the crazy cycle begins.

The Crazy Cycle

Here’s how “The Crazy Cycle” works: when a wife doesn’t receive enough love from her husband, she reacts by not giving her husband enough respect. 

And when a husband doesn’t feel respected by his wife, he reacts by withholding love from her. 

And the crazy cycle repeats itself over and over again.

The Energizing Cycle

On the other hand, when a man makes her wife feel very much loved, it is easier for her to show respect to him. 

When this is consistently done, the “Energizing Cycle” continues. 

That is why it is very important for husbands to learn the Love Language of their wives. So he can love her the way she wants to be loved.

It is important for us, husbands, to figure this out intentionally. So we can initiate the Energizing Cycle in our marriage.

Men and Women Have Different Needs

In her surveys, Shaunti Feldhahn — a social researcher and author of many bestselling books on relationships — found that men and women have different inner insecurities.

She found that “women tended to have deep, hidden questions like, 'Am I special?' 'Am I loveable?' And thus needed to feel special and worthy of being loved for who they were on the inside.”

Meanwhile, “men...really didn't have those questions. Instead, they worried, 'Do I measure up?' 'Am I any good at what I do?' In other words: they deeply need to feel noticed, able, and appreciated for what they do on the outside.”

Different insecurities lead to contrasting emotional needs in men and women.

Give Our Spouse What Is Needed

Feldhahn urges to understand these sensitive areas to help avoid hurting your spouse. Stop thinking they are being "oversensitive." 

This will let you care for your mate in the specific way they needed.

She points out that “men’s private doubt about whether they measure up is the reason why their wives’ respect matters so much to them.” 

For women, because their “latent insecurity is about whether their man really loves them and even whether they are truly lovable,” they “need to be reassured by their husbands often that they are beautiful and they are loved.”

This doesn’t mean a husband only wants his wife’s respect without love; neither does a wife only long for her husband’s love without respect. It’s just that a man needs to feel respected more, while a woman needs to feel loved more.

You get the point?

Dr. Eggerichs observes just as a wife desires unconditional love from her husband, a husband needs unconditional respect from his wife. 

When you meet your spouse’s emotional needs, that’s when you enter the Energizing Cycle.

Some Tips to Sustain The Energizing Cycle

Some things husbands can do include:

• making it a point to spend quality time with her
• sharing his joys and difficulties with her
• listening to her and being empathetic when she shares her feelings with him
• apologizing when he has done something wrong toward her
• speaking well of her in front of others
• being physically affectionate with her in public

Some things wives can do to make their husbands feel respected include:

• expressing her appreciation for his efforts at work
• affirming his commitment to protect and provide for her
• not putting him down about his accomplishments or how much he earns
• recognizing his desire to solve problems is his way of caring for her
• responding to him when he desires sexual intimacy
• encouraging him to spend time alone to recharge

Of course, every person is unique, so each couple needs to figure out what most satisfies their spouse’s primary desires. 

When we remember that love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man, we’re off to a good start! 

Be energized in loving each other as you meet your spouse’s emotional needs. See you in the next post!